


A Loving Feeling

by Thatswhatshesaid0w0



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 19th Century, Bottom Sirius Black, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Remus Lupin, Gay Sirius Black, M/M, Master/Servant, Miscommunication, POV Remus Lupin, Remus Lupin Loves Sirius Black, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Requited Love, Secret Relationship, Sirius Black Loves Remus Lupin, Title from a Mitski Song, Top Remus Lupin, walburga's A+ parenting skills
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:47:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29911635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatswhatshesaid0w0/pseuds/Thatswhatshesaid0w0
Summary: Very gay. Remus is a servant boy working for the mega rich Black family. Together, we explore the epic highs and lows of his relationship with the oldest son and heir, Sirius Black. And high school football.I'll update this whenever I can but I must warn you I'm a free spirit so I just go with the flow. Please enjoy!
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black/James Potter, Remus Lupin & James Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 21





	1. Remmy Lupin is super gay

**Author's Note:**

> In that moment, he doesn't care if he doesn't get the job. He doesn't care because Sirius Black just held his bloody hand.

Remus feels uncomfortable in his suit. Usually he gets to wear his loose threadbare shirts and dirty trousers, but today is a Special day so he has to look his best. He goes to stand next to James and hunches his back to make himself look smaller.  
Madame Mcgonagall taps him on the shoulder with her cane and glares at him when he turns around to look at her. "Back straight." She says, already moving on to scold poor Peter on the way he's tucked in his shirt. After all, today is a Special day, and if so much as a hair is out of place, there's a high chance you could lose your head.

What's so special about this day, you may ask? Today is the day that Master Sirius Black chooses his manservant.  
Remus currently works in the gardens but after Mrs Potter kindly put in a good word for him, he's under consideration for a promotion. That would mean no more scavenged meals and stolen tidbits. That would mean no more sleepless nights on the cold floor and no more white lies to James and Peter about his financial situation. This job would give him a proper bed, not just a scratchy stack of hay and a decent pay rise.  
If he only had a few more coins, he'd finally be able to stop scrounging off the Potters and finally be able to buy his ma that pair of shoes she desperately wanted. This job could solve ninety percent of his problems so he can handle being a bit uncomfortable for the next couple hours. 

Lady Black has put together a few tasks for the possible candidates and whoever gets them sorted in the fastest time with the highest result, wins. He's been timing how long it takes to get his chores done ever since he found out he had a shot and he beat his high score the other day so he's mildly confident. James believes that he has it in the bag but can't go longer then ten minutes until he has to take a break and Peter's been crying about how he'll never amount to anything for the last week.   
He wipes his grossly sweaty hands on his neatly pressed trousers (Thank goodness Mr Potter had a spare) and tries to remember how to breathe. He can hear Lord and Lady Black having a discussion in the corridor outside. His heart drops into his stomach as they step burst in, both of them scowling like everything they could see disgusted them. 

He forces himself to focus when Lady Black launches into a speech, telling them what they need to do and how long they have to do it. He barely stops himself from sighing with relief when he's assigned to make a bed, as well as some other small tasks and a five minute interview with Master Black himself. He has trained for all of those and is delighted with the fact that he actually has a chance of getting what he wants so badly.   
After politely thanking Lord and Lady Black and winking at his two friends who were both trembling in their boots, he follows the nameless servant who leads him away to find the bed he's supposed to make.   
He turns to thank her when she shows him the right room but by the time he's opens his mouth, she's vanished. With a shrug aimed at no one, he gets to work tucking in corners and shaking out the covers.

He's just finished when the doors open and the same servant comes in to mark his work and then take him away to the task. She hides the board from him but when he walks past her, he sees she's written 7/10 on the page. Feeling torn between being pleased and slightly disappointed in his result, he swears that he'll do better on the next one. He walks behind her, trying to recall the list he'd made days ago about what to do when he needed to boost his score.  
He's so caught up in his thoughts that he walks right into her when she stops outside another door. She glares at him and he mentally crosses 'flirt with the judge' off his list. He gets this task done quicker and spend his remaining time trying to plan what he'll say to Master Black.

He's never heard him speak before, having only ever worked in the gardens. He knows what he looks like of course, though he rather wished he didn't. See, Master Black is stupidly and utterly handsome, and to be honest, the person who made Remus figure out he wasn't so interested in girls as the other boys were. He's been a figure in most of Remus's fantasies for quite a while, though he knows he's being silly for occupying these kinds of thoughts.  
It's not like Sirius Black would ever treat him as anything more then a simple peasant. He's more likely to order Remus's hair to be completely shaved off than lovingly run his fingers through it. But a man can dream.  
After the servant girl returns and marks his work (he looks over at her board again and sees that he got 8/10), she takes him to Master Black's study. He smiles at her, hoping she'll relent and say something encouraging. Instead, she frowns at him, her face looking like she'd sucked a lemon and stalks off, her head held high. He takes several deep breaths and tentatively knocks on the door. 

It swings open and he steps inside. The office itself is huge, with a large window which faces the garden. A sturdy desk is placed against the wall, next to a bookcase, practically over-flowing with novels and medical dictionaries. Remus looks around, taking in the space before letting his eyes land on the young man lounging on a red couch with a goblet in his hand. This man is obviously Sirius Black, the notorious heart breaker and charming casanova, famous for his dodgy gambling addiction that got him into big trouble with his family a few years ago.   
Remus feels his face flush a little but hopes it isn't too noticeable. Sirius seems to sense his discomfort and taps the seat next to him, like he wants him to sit down.  
It takes him a few more moments to realize that that's what he's actually trying to show. His face now matching the couch, Remus carefully plonks himself down and clears his throat. 

"Erm, hello?" He says, hating the way his voice comes out slightly squeaky. Sirius smiles and tips an imaginary hat at him. "Hey there. Who are you?" Remus blushes harder, his plan completely flying out the window as he struggles to piece together a three-word sentence. "I'm, um, Remus Lupin. Who are you?" He internally groaned. Oh my god, did he seriously just say that? Why couldn't Sirius just be average looking, or even better, hideously ugly?  
His brain seemed to be short circuiting due to being so close to such an attractive guy. Luckily for him, Sirius simply laughs, throwing back his head and revealing several inches of pale neck that Remus wants to sink his teeth into. (He's not a vampire though, promise). 

"Well, I'm Sirius Black, but I'm a bit surprised that you didn't already know that." Remus tries to laugh half-heartedly, glad that Sirius only found it funny and did not call a guard to chop his head off, like the rest of his family probably would have done.  
"Yes, sorry, obviously I know who you are, I've been working here since I was nine. I'm just nervous." Sirius tilts his head, reminding Remus of a dog waiting for you to throw the goddamn stick. "Why are you nervous? It's just me." Yes, Remus thinks, that's exactly the problem.   
"Right. This job is important, yeah? I need the money and you need a manservant."   
Sirius smirks slightly and Remus privately thinks that being killed by someone's beauty is a very stupid way to die.

"That's right. What makes you think you think you've got what it takes?" Remus tries to remember the reasons why he's useful but can't think of any. "Well, I'm hard working, I'm not a cold-blooded killer, I'm fast and I know how to make a bed?" He says, feeling proud when Sirius laughs again. "Looks like you've checked every box on the list. And you're funny too. I like that in my men." 

Remus waits for him to correct himself or maybe add something else to the statement but he doesn't so he carries on. "I'm kind of clever too, not with writing and stuff, but I know lots of things. My ma was a librarian so she brought home a lot of books. Didn't have many friends so I spent a lot of time reading." What was he doing? Sirius hadn't asked for his entire miserable life story.  
He looks up from the pattern on the floor he's been staring intensely at and finds Sirius staring at him, a thoughtful look on his face. "Not with writing and stuff?" Remus fidgets with his hands, twisting the wooden ring on his middle finger. "Erm, yeah, I don't actually know how. No one's ever taught me."   
While his ma had always been adamant on him learning to read, she'd never told him how to write, saying it was more important he could see other people's words then his own. Sirius frowns a little before smiling again.  
"That simply won't do. If you get the job, the first thing I'm going to do is teach you." Remus doesn't need to be able to see his reflection to know that he's probably redder then a raspberry. "Oh no sir, you don't have to do that. I'm fine not knowi-" Sirius cuts him off by putting a manicured hand on his knee. Remus tries to keep himself from bursting into flames.  
"That's if you get the job. I'm yet to see the other candidates, so for all I know, there's some perfect stranger just waiting for me to interview him." Remus thinks back to that morning, with Peter's wailing and James's stuttering, suddenly feeling a lot better about his chances. "Of course. If." Sirius nods, his eyes shining. "If." 

The door opens and the servant girl, who Remus has decided looks a little bit like a horse, steps in. She sighs at Remus in greeting and curtseys under Sirius's gaze. Remus gets up, feeling a little reluctant to go. He stares at the hand that Sirius holds out before reaching and shaking it. His hand is soft and lacks the callouses that his own have earned from working in the fields. They hold hands for a bit longer than etiquette requires before Remus pulls away. "Goodbye sir." He says. Sirius smiles at him and Remus can feel his insides slowly melting.  
"Goodbye Remus." The horse girl sighs again and Remus takes it as his cue to leave. He glances back at Sirius, who is staring at him again, with the same thoughtful look as before. He turns back after nearly colliding with the door frame and smiles to himself as he follows horse girl down to the kitchens.   
In that moment, he doesn't care if he doesn't get the job. He doesn't care because Sirius Black just held his bloody hand.


	2. Remus gets gayer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus has a little chitchat with Sirius, James thinks he's fallen in love and Peter wishes he was anywhere else but here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remus takes a short breath and opens his mouth to tell Sirius one of his darkest secrets. He thinks it might help. He hopes it might help. If he's got this situation all wrong, Sirius might try to kill him and he doesn't really want to die on a Tuesday at the hands of a sexy angel with eyes the color of slate and hair as dark as a raven.
> 
> TW: Child abuse & Domestic abuse. Includes a non-graphic description of an injury

Remus was not entirely surprised when Madame Mcgonagall sought him out two days later and told him he'd gotten the job. 

Obviously, he'd been thrilled and gladly accepted the role. James and Peter helped him move his limited possessions into the small room opposite Master Sirius's, where he would be staying. It wasn't much bigger than a broom closet but it was certainty better than the barns. He visited his ma to tell her the good news and only protested a little bit when she insisted on holding a small feast in his honor. Of course, a feast actually meant the salted beef they'd kept in the cellar and some of the plum wine Remus had bought from the market a few summers ago but it's the thought that counts, really.  
It was a waste of food but for once, he didn't mind. He'd worked hard for this job. Do you know how difficult it is to be in the same room as Sirius Black and not shower him with compliments and kisses? Remus was really proud of his self-control. 

After promising his ma that he'd write to her every week, he took off to the ridiculously big mansion and settled in to his new life as a manservant. It wasn't all that different to before except now he worked indoors and had to tail Sirius everywhere he went. If Sirius needed anything, he had to be ready to ready to drop everything and fetch it for him. The other servants addressed him as Mr Lupin now and he almost died when Mcgonagall handed him his paycheck. It wasn't that much more but it was still double his old amount. With a pleased smile on his face, he sent half of it back to his mother and kept the rest to buy food and pay for a round of beer at the inn he often went to with his friends. 

James had declared himself to be madly in love with one ladies working there and made sure to throw dodgy pick up lines at her whenever he could. Sadly for James, she seemed to be oddly immune to his 'irresistible' charms and pointedly told him on multiple occasions, that if he kept harassing her, she would get him thrown out and possibly arrested. Still James persisted, even after she threw a chair at his head when he tried to compare her red hair to the embers of fire. He came out of the inn that night with a black eye but apparently he liked 'a girl who had a fight in her'. Remus, who didn't particularly like girls at all, could not relate. James had even gone as far as to pay one of her friends to find out the poor girl's name.  
He insisted that he was in fact, not 'being a creep' and that 'maybe Remus would understand once he'd found a nice bloke to pine after'. Remus doubted he would ever be as obsessed as James about anyone, but you'll never know until you try it, right?

Remus and Peter had taken to buying large pints of beer and watching as he repeatedly humiliated himself for a girl who was just not interested. They felt rather sorry for him sometimes but it made for good entertainment and it didn't hurt to let James's ego be taken down a few notches. Lily (the girl) clearly seemed to think so and had a few things to say when James asked if he could walk her home. 

Things with Sirius had improved massively and he could now say a whole entire sentence to him without turning red and stammering like an idiot. Progress! He quickly picked up certain random things about the man, like the fact he slept with the window open and needed to drink a cup of tea before bed every night or he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. He seemed to still be on bad terms with his parents and mostly spoke to his little brother Regulus. He would also soon be needing a manservant too and James was the first choice.   
It was both strange and kind of fascinating to be so involved in someone else's life. Remus wondered how long it would take for Sirius to fall apart if he didn't have any servants to tie his shoe laces and comb his hair. Despite both his mother and father being icy and emotionally detached, Sirius was kind and considerate once you looked past the pompous and arrogant shell that he put up. He had been rather sweet to Remus and at times, it almost felt like he was talking to an old friend rather than a rich sex god of a monarch who could order him to be killed at any time. 

He's thinking about Sirius now as he carefully carries a platter of food up to his room. He thinks about the way that his eyes shine when he's excited about something and the way he always knows what to say to relieve the tension from a room. He thinks that if he's not careful, there's a chance he could fall in love with him. And wouldn't that be a right mess.  
He knocks on the door, balancing the heavy platter on his knee. When there's no response, he nudges the door open with his foot and steps inside, nearly tripping over a knocked over chair. The curtains have been drawn and the candles snuffed out and it's so dark he can barely see the other side of the room. He can't make out any shapes other then the bed and wardrobe so he assumes Sirius has gone out without telling him. He turns to leave but just as he reaches the door, he hears a broken-hearted sob come from a pile of, what he assumes are quilts and blankets. "Sirius?" He asks cautiously, setting down the tray and edging towards it. "Sirius, is that you?" There's no response but another shape sticks out suddenly from the pile and when he's only a foot away, he sees that it's his head. 

"What's wrong?" Sirius still doesn't reply so he moves to pull open the curtains. Before he can, Sirius's voice, croaky from crying, cuts through the air. "Leave it closed." He says, sounding like he might burst into tears again. Remus obliges and goes to sit next to him. "Do you want me to leave?" He asks slowly, trying to sound calm and relaxed, so he doesn't freak him out. Sirius shakes his head and moves closer, burying his head into Remus's shoulder. He slowly breaks down while Remus rubs his back, whispering kind words into his ear. He's scared he'll say something wrong but he tries to keep it comforting.   
After a few long minutes, Sirius pulls away. Remus can't really see his face in the dark, but he imagines he looks embarrassed. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" Sirius hesitates a few seconds before nodding. "Open the curtains." He whispers.

Remus stands up and pulls them open, bathing the room in pale orange light. He turns around and nearly screams when he sees the purple and green bruise on Sirius's cheek. Spots of red, yellow and blue cover a small wound, possibly an indent from a ring or belt buckle. He can see Sirius wince at his reaction and tries again. "Y-your face..." He says. "Who did this to you?" He thinks he might already know the answer, but desperately hopes he's wrong.  
Sirius shrugs and it's clear that he doesn't want to say anything. Remus sighs and gets up to go to the medicine cupboard in Sirius's bathroom. He takes out the rubbing alcohol and goes back to apply it to the wound. "This is going to hurt," he warns, wiping off the dried blood and dirt from the wound.   
Sirius only grunts slightly and allows him to carry on.   
Remus takes a short breath and opens his mouth to tell Sirius one of his darkest secrets. He thinks it might help. He hopes it might help. If he's got this situation all wrong, Sirius might try to kill him and he doesn't really want to die on a Tuesday at the hands of a sexy angel with eyes the color of slate and hair as dark as a raven.

"When I was younger, my dad used to drink a lot. He'd get drunk at a inn or with some of his mates and then come home and take his anger out on me and my ma. He broke her arm once. He never hurt me as badly but I've- I've got scars. One time, he caught me in a... compromising situation," (Lyall accidentally walked in on Remus giving Sam, the baker's son, a blowjob) "and completely beat the shit out of me. I almost died. My ma was too scared to chuck him out but the Potter's- that's James's family- they scared him off. I owe them my life, to be honest. I'm so lucky to have them. The point is, that there's always a way out and it always gets better eventually. Up until then, you have me if you want to talk. If you don't, that's fine too." 

The silence after his small speech is deafening and Remus thinks he might throw himself out the window if Sirius doesn't say something soon. He's picturing his funeral when Sirius speaks up. "It was my mother." He doesn't elaborate further and Remus doesn't force him to. He simply tucks a loose strand of Sirius's hair behind his ears and stands up. "Thanks for telling me. I must go now but you should eat something." He gestures to the platter of food he'd completely forgotten about and moves to the exit. "See you later, Sirius." He says.   
He's already closed the door behind him when he hears Sirius say "See you later, Remus."


	3. We're all queer here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius keeps up on his promise and Remus thinks maybe James might be right for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Thank you." He hears Sirius murmur into his neck. "You matter." He whispers back.

Waking up to your extremely annoying best mate pouring a pitcher of ice cold water down your front is not particularly pleasurable, Remus discovers.  
Once he's successfully whacked James into submission with his soggy pillow, he changes out of his sopping wet night clothes and goes down to the kitchen to meet Peter and get something to eat.  
He grabs a piece of bread and explains to Mrs Potter why his hair is still dripping everywhere. She gives him a rag to dry it up and tells him that Sirius has requested he bring up his breakfast.   
He takes the already prepared platter, laden with food, and carefully carries it up, using the servant staircase so he doesn't bump into any unsuspecting nobles. He's gone up this way so many times in the last few weeks that he reckons he could navigate his path with his eyes closed. He's still struggling with safely balancing a tray though and the amount of times he's tripped over his own feet and sent whatever he was carrying flying, is actually embarrassing.

One mortifying time, he fell over a stool and accidentally spilt a goblet of red wine all over Sirius's white shirt. Luckily, instead of having him flayed alive or something equally as unpleasant, Sirius only laughed it off and sent him away to find him a new one. He's still getting used to the fact that Sirius isn't going to hurt him for messing up. Unlike his parents, he doesn't seem to think violence is a good punishment method.  
If Remus does something wrong, he politely sits him down with a glass of water and tells him what he did and how to improve. Sirius really is like no one he's ever met.   
After Remus had spoken to him about his father, their entire dynamic had changed. Their conversations run deeper than just light respectful banter and airy, bordering on flirty comments and he can feel begin to Sirius open up to him. Sirius doesn't mention what he'd said about his mother, only bringing up the conversation to thank Remus for sharing his secret. Remus is better around him all of a sudden.  
Seeing him so vulnerable and broken has made him see Sirius as an actual person instead of some kind of idol. He still thinks he's beautiful but he feels more like a real human than the god Remus made him in his head. He knows Sirius only sees him as a servant but he can't help but hope that they might be friends of a sort.

He enters Sirius's study, where Mrs Potter instructed him to bring the tray and finds him writing out an important looking letter. He looks up when Remus walks in and gives him a smile that pleasantly warms his insides. He places the platter on the coffee table and turns to exit. Sirius grabs his wrist before he can go and tugs him over to the desk. He gently pushes him into the chair and fetches a new piece of parchment and a fountain pen.   
He pulls another chair out to sit next to Remus, who is staring at him in confusion. Sirius notices the look and chuckles. "I said I'd teach you how to write if you got the job, remember?" Remus flushes, thinking back to their awkward conversation. "Yeah, I remember, and I also distinctly remember saying you didn't have to." Sirius winks and cheerfully reaches for the pen. "I know I don't have to but I want to, okay?" 

He barely has time to nod before Sirius practically hurls the pen at him. "Think fast!" he yells, reminding Remus of James. He catches the pen right before it hits the ground and triumphantly glances up at Sirius, who looks faintly impressed. "So you really don't know anything?" He asks. Remus shakes his head, feeling a little bit stupid.   
"Hm alright then, where to start..." He gets a separate pen and brings over a pot of ink. Remus watches him write down the alphabet and gets started trying to copy his neat As and Bs and Cs. It's rather difficult getting the loops and crosses right but he manages fairly easily and is relatively happy with his work. Obviously, it's not nearly half as good as Sirius's practiced swirly calligraphy but it's alright for his first try. He does it again, working on making the letters smaller and look less like a child's crazy crayon scribbles. Sirius's gets a book from one of his shelves and he copies down different sentences from it, picking out the hardest words and practicing his shape and spelling. Afterwards he attempts to write his name and is pleased when it doesn't look particularly deformed or like a baby's masterpiece.

He's focused on his work but he can feel Sirius watching him. He looks up and flashes him a big smile. It could just be a trick of the bright light but Remus swears he can see his cheeks color a little. 

They stay sitting in silence for another few peaceful minutes before Sirius speaks up. "You're really good for your first try. It's nearly perfect." Remus scoffs slightly, glaring at the wiggly lines in front of him. "It could be better."  
Sirius shakes his head and stands up to snatch a buttered crumpet from the coffee table. He offers one to Remus, who smiles and declines, thinking that Madame Mcgonagall would probably have a fit if she knew he was dining with a noble. "I mean it. You're honestly amazing." Sirius says, a surprisingly shy, lopsided grin on his face. Remus feels the butterflies in his stomach threaten to start fluttering and he looks down hurriedly to hide his blushing face. 

It's quiet again but then Sirius carries on. "I wanted to talk to you about what happened." He looks away from Remus and avoids his questioning gaze. "I've told you it was my mother. We got into a big disagreement about something and she... she hit me." Remus slowly shuffles closer to him and places a hesitant but firm hand on his arm. Sirius doesn't flinch away so he relaxes a little and moves the hand up to his shoulder. "It's happened before, it just felt different this time. It heals within a week and we move on. Usually it doesn't hurt so much." Remus grimaces as he pictures Lady Black hurting the poor boy next to him. "You don't deserve it." He says, watching the way Sirius shrugs nonchalantly and tries to disappear behind his long hair. 

"Really, you don't. I'm not sure what she tells you but it's not true." Sirius doesn't meet his eyes so he grabs both his shoulders and pulls him so that they're face to face. He ignores how close they are because now is not the time to get flustered. "My dad did it too. He would tell me that I'm worthless and that it'd be better if I didn't exist. He'd make me feel like crap and for so long, I believed him. Then James and Peter came along and showed me that I am important. You are important. Let me be here for you- and if not me then Jegulus or someone else, I don't know. Just don't listen to whatever lies she's feeding you. You matter." 

He doesn't recognize the expression on Sirius's face and he panics for a second that he might have overstepped. Sirius's eyes frantically search his own and Remus is pulled into a hug before he can do anything.   
He hugs back after a few shocked seconds and rests his head on top of Sirius's. He buries his nose into Sirius's hair and sighs.   
"Thank you." He hears Sirius murmur into his neck.   
"You matter." He whispers back.  
\----

Sirius doesn't call on him for anything for a while after that. Remus wonders if he's avoiding him. Once his working hours are over, he meets up with James and Peter and they go to the inn. 

Lily is less than ecstatic to see them but takes their orders anyway. James impresses everyone by only complimenting her 'beautiful hourglass figure' and 'eyes as green as fresh grass' once. They buy another round of drinks to celebrate when she doesn't give him another black eye and merely kicks him in the crotch.   
They don't get back to the mansion until late at night and he has to help James carry a tipsy Peter to his hut on the outskirts of the Black property. He walks James back to his own hut before sneaking inside the main building through the back entrance that he's not supposed to know about. He almost gets caught by the grumpy house keeper Filch and his mangy cat but ducks behind a corner at the last second and gets away without being seen. 

By the time he gets to his room, he's exhausted. All he wants to do is jump into bed and fall asleep. He goes to do so but he sees there's something on his pillow. It's an envelope sealed with red wax and a small parcel wrapped in newspaper. He opens it and finds a collection of blank paper, an ink pot and a fountain pen. The letter simply says: 'You're amazing' in familiar loopy handwriting. 

He holds it up to his face and it smells like Sirius. He places the writing equipment into the box he keeps under his bed and keeps the note in his breast pocket, right next to his heart. He changes out of his clothes and covers himself in his blankets. He closes his eyes and tries to shut his brain off but all he can think of is Sirius, Sirius, Sirius. It's a good hour later when he finally drifts off and even his dreams are full of a dark-haired man with silver eyes. 

The last thing he thinks before he falls asleep is maybe James was actually onto something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made a playlist for this story??? https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6v9PKf7sKiVTi1hH7SwRur?si=f_6ibHk-TWKMFVpLmkcZpw  
> I'll be adding songs with every chapter :)


	4. Mama didn't raise no hetero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius saves the day and Remus has a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If he ever touches you without your consent again or does something to make you uncomfortable, just tell me the word and I'll rough him up, you hear me? I'll send him sniveling back to his mommy and he'll regret the day he ever messed with my Remus." 
> 
> TW: Child abuse & domestic abuse & attempted rape (Shit, this one's a real doozy, sorry guys)

Remus misses his ma.  
He hasn't seen her in what feels like forever, even though it's only been three months and the letters they send back and forth aren't much substitute for the real deal. They've always been close and after Lyall had taken it upon himself to become the evil villain of the story, it had been just the two of them against the world.  
She knew always knew what to do when something was wrong and how to cheer him up and vice versa.

When the other boys in the village made fun of him for the state of his torn trousers and falling apart shoes, she brought home a massive selection of books and read to him until he stopped crying and fell asleep.   
When Lyall threw out his favorite teddy bear, saying he was too old for toys, she stayed up all night knitting a special quilt for him to lie with. She was so kind and perfect, Remus still isn't quite sure how she ended up married to a man like his dad, who was exactly the opposite. 

He reminds himself to write her his weekly letter on his way to the bakery. Mrs Potter has given him the fun task of picking up a large order of muffins, bread rolls and cakes and he wants to get back on time so he doesn't miss lunch.   
When he opens the door, a small bell rings to alert the person at the counter that someone new has entered the shop. The strong sickly sweet smell of freshly baked goods hits his nose and it's all a little too much.  
He tries to discreetly cover his nose and walks up to the short dark-haired man behind the counter. He still has his back to him and when he quietly clears his throat to get his attention, he realizes with a jolt, that it's Sam.

That's right, the same Sam that he was caught sucking off by his dad approximately four years ago. He can feel himself flushing at the memory and hopes Sam doesn't recognize him. "Hello sir, what can I do you for?" There's something about the tone of his voice and the way he's looking at him that makes Remus think Sam knows exactly who he is. "Erm, hi. I'm here to collect an order for the Black residence." He says, hoping it actually sounds like a sure statement rather than a question. 

Sam nods and disappears behind some curtains. He comes back after a few minutes to drop off the first bag of sugary goodies before going away again to get the others. When he's done, Remus counts six bags and wonders how the hell he's going to carry all of them up the hill.

As if reading his mind, Sam suddenly says "That's quite a lot. How are you going to carry it all back up? It's quite far." He shrugs, not actually sure on what he's going to do. He's considering taking them up two by two but Sam interrupts his thought process again. "I can help you, if you'd like?"   
Remus rushes to reassure him that he doesn't have to but he insists and takes a bag to sling over his shoulder. "It's the end of my shift and you know what they say, many hands make light work. It's no problem." He marches out the shop with two bags in each hand before Remus can protest any further, leaving the counter completely unattended.   
With a deep sigh, he turns the sign on the door that's says 'OPEN' in swirly green italics to 'CLOSED' which is in red, grabs the left over bags and chases after him.

It's slightly awkward on the walk to the mansion. They haven't spoken in years and he doesn't know what to talk about. He can't exactly just say 'Oh hey, I'm sorry my dad walked in on us when we were sixteen and yelled at me for twenty minutes straight before punching you in the face and telling you that if he ever saw you go near me again, he'd cut your arms off.' If he was that forward with everyone, he doubts he'd make for a very good conversation.

They settle on the topic of village gossip because Sam knows all about everybody else's business and Remus hasn't properly spoken to anyone who isn't James, Sirius, Peter or his mum in weeks. Sam's busy telling him the story of what happened to the resident village weirdo, Albus Dumbledore, as they walk through the vast grounds, careful not to get seen by anyone passing by.

Lord and Lady Black would be less than thrilled knowing he had brought someone back, even if it was just to help with a delivery. They're very uptight about privacy and who's allowed inside the property but that's probably because the last time the footmen brought one of his hookups back to his hut, she turned out to secretly be an assassin and snuck into the main building, dead set on murdering the whole Black family. Yeah, that might have something do with it.

He can suddenly hear the distant sound of rapidly approaching sound of hooves behind them so he grabs Sam's wrist and pulls him behind a conveniently located tree. He checks to see if the coast is clear and sees that it is. He lets out the breath he didn't realize he was holding in and releases his hold on Sam.  
He steps out from behind the tree now that he knows the coast is clear but Sam drags him back in by the collar of shirt and presses him up against it. The rough bark digs into him through his clothes and he wants to run but Sam's heavy frame is draped over him and he can't move. "U-um Sam, what are you doing?" Sam silences him with a stubby finger to his chapped lips, a manic grin on his face and a slightly mad look in his icy blue eyes. 

"I thought since we were interrupted last time, we could pick up from where we left off."  
Remus tries to shove him away but Sam has a firm grip on his collar and his other hand is reaching for Remus's belt buckle. "Sam, please stop, I don't want to-" 

He gasps when Sam ignores him and starts sloppily kissing down his neck, causing him to shudder at the unpleasant feeling. He fiddles with Remus's fly, struggling to get it open. Remus screws his eyes shut, not wanting to see or feel what's about to happen and opens his mouth to scream, hoping that someone, anyone, might hear him and come to his rescue. All of a sudden, Sam is pulled away from him and Remus watches him fall to the floor, his head hitting the ground with a satisfying crack.   
Sirius is standing over him, his dark hair floating around his face and he looks murderous. "Didn't you hear him? He said to stop."  
Sam looks terrified and he scrambles to his feet faster than you can say 'Jeez-us fucking louise-us, this guy's a massive fucking creep. Good thing for Sirius's impeccable timing'. 

He runs away as fast as his short, chubby legs can carry him, but not before Sirius's foot connects with his back, sending him sprawling again. Remus closes his eyes again, his head hurting as he process's the contents of the last hour.   
"What the fuck?" He says out loud, sliding down against the tree until he's in a sitting position. Sirius crouches down next to him and cautiously puts a hand on his knee. He tries not to flinch away but Sirius withdraws the hand and looks at him with so much raw concern that Remus thinks he might start crying. "Are you alright?" Sirius asks, his voice soft and gentle.   
Remus nods but when he tries to stand up, his head aches and he falls against Sirius and has to clutch his shoulders to steady himself. "I'm fine." He says, but even to his own ears it sounds like a lie. 

"Who was he?" Sirius asks quietly, as they walk slowly up to the building. He's carrying two of the bags that are now a little squashed but still in reasonable shape, despite Remus's protests and he looks like he's been hit in the face by a shovel. Remus wonders for a few seconds if he should come up with a creative lie but decides not to bother. 

If Sirius really had a problem with it, he would have said something. "He's Sam and he works at the bakery in the village. He offered to help me carry all this stuff up the hill. I should've known he was just trying to get into my pants again." "Again?" Remus blows a light brown strand of hair that's fallen into his eyes out of his face. Really, he shouldn't be telling Sirius any of this. "We had a thing a few years back. It ended pretty quickly."   
Sirius nods like he understands and follows him to the back door, handing him the bags. "If he ever touches you without your consent again or does something to make you uncomfortable, just tell me the word and I'll rough him up, you hear me? I'll send him sniveling back to his mommy and he'll regret the day he ever messed with my Remus." 

Remus blushes at the 'my' but looks away so Sirius can't see his reddened cheeks. "Don't worry, if he even dares approach me, I'll tell him I've got a new guard dog. I think that'll keep him at bay." Sirius throws back his head when he laughs and Remus can't help but notice how beautiful he looks with his wind ruffled hair and the stupid sun beginning to set behind him. So much for being back in time for lunch.   
Sirius also seems to notice how late it is because he puts his hand lightly on the small of Remus's back and wishes him a good evening. He walks away with a cheeky wink and a over-exaggerated flip of his long hair.

Remus stares after him until he disappears from view. It hits him like a bolt of lightning and he wants to start panicking. It's not just plain old attraction anymore. Oh god, he thinks, I fancy Sirius Black.


	5. Mooning over the stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is off mooning over Sirius and James is a literal child. Peter is somewhat responsible and (not) homophobic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "We have to tell Pete! Hey Peter, Remus has-" There's no way Peter would be able to hear them when he's all the way back in the kitchens, and there's also no way Remus is letting James finish his sentence.

It had been five weeks since the Sam incident and five weeks since Remus's realization.   
Five weeks since Remus threw a spanner into the works and let things go to shit. Because suddenly it's not just thinking 'damn, he's really pretty', it's actual real life feelings. 

He's come to terms with the fact that he's gay ages ago, when he was fifteen. He wasn't entirely sure at first, thinking maybe he just hadn't met the right women yet, but a few ventures behind the greenhouse with Fabian Prewett, a gorgeous ginger who lived near his childhood home, cleared up any doubts.  
Peter and James both know because they've walked in on his interactions with other men from around the village many times. Both of them are alright with it 'because this means you don't fancy Evans' and 'as long as you don't have a crush on me'. See if you can guess which response was from James. Bet you won't get it right.

He never actually told his ma but she soon found out after Lyall started screaming about his son being a fag. He was scared that she might judge him or yell like his dad, but she simply pulled him into a long comfy hug and whispered into his ear that everything was going to be alright.   
They didn't really bring it up after that, except for when she would ask if he thought the neighbor's son was cute or if he liked anyone. His friends and his ma's support meant the world and he didn't care about what anyone else thought about him. 

He did care about what Sirius thought though. Sure, he hadn't said anything homophobic but what if he was collecting evidence to tell Lady Black and get him kicked out? No, Sirius wouldn't do that. If he had an issue with it, he would've dealt with it immediately rather than letting Remus continue working for him. Sirius treated him like a person instead of just a servant and it felt like they really understood each other.   
Of course he knew Sirius's didn't feel the same way and he wasn't about to lie to himself to make himself feel better. Every time he caught his brain comparing Sirius to a summer's night or something soppy like that, he'd mentally scoff and try to shove all thoughts about the heir to the Black legacy out of his mind. 

He wasn't sure how he'd gone from a hardworking and intellectual man to a simpering teenage school girl in the space of a few weeks. He'd had crushes before but this was becoming a little over the top. Even James, who is possibly the most oblivious man on the planet, noticed something was different. 

"Is everything okay?" he asks out of the blue one morning, while they're collecting firewood in the forest next door. "Everything's fine, mate. Why do you ask?" he responds, raising an eyebrow inquisitively. James shrugs and shoves another cracker into his mouth. "This is the seventh time I've caught you staring off into space. If you don't stop, I'll start to think you're mooning after someone." Remus doesn't say anything, just puts his hands in his pockets and James's eyes widen.   
The shocked expression on his face is so comical that Remus almost starts laughing. "Oh my god. You fancy someone!" Remus groans and ducks his head, trying to hide from his friend's scorching gaze. 

"Grow up James, we're not kids anymore. Life doesn't revolve around who fancies who." He can tell that James is ignoring him so he just sighs and looks back at the mansion. "Fine okay, I do fancy someone."  
James practically screeches and pull him in for hug, causing him to drop the wood he's gathered on his foot.   
Remus yelps and James holds his hands up, looking apologetic. "Sorry, sorry, I'm just so excited. This just the first time you've ever told me about a crush. Look at my sweet little Remmykins, all grown up." James's face lights up again and he grabs Remus's elbow, trying to pull him to the mansion.

"We have to tell Pete! Hey Peter, Remus has-" There's no way Peter would be able to hear them when he's all the way back in the kitchens, and there's also no way Remus is letting James finish his sentence. He clamps a hand over his mouth, successfully cutting him off. "How are you so god damn loud? C'mon, let's just bring this back before your mum freaks out."  
He bends over to pick up the logs he dropped and snorts noisily when James holds up a measly twig in contribution.   
He lets himself be dragged up the hill and pushed through the door like a hostage while James pressed the twig into his back, claiming it to actually be a sword. They dumped the wood by the fireplace and suddenly James is pulling Remus off again, to go find Peter.

After minutes of searching, they find him dusting banister on the second floor staircase. He barely has time to say hello before James is grabbing both of them by their ears and forcing them into the first unoccupied room they come across. "Pete, Pete, Pete! Guess what Rem just told me?"   
Peter sighs, used to James's over-excitable behavior. "I don't know James, what did Remus just tell you?"   
James squeals, sounding a lot like a child who just was given an ice cream or some other sweet treat. "Well, he said likes someone. That's right, a real life person!" Peter looks nowhere near as excited as James, but he smiles and pats Remus on the arm affectionately. "Wow, congrats mate. Who's the lucky bird- I mean, bloke?" 

Remus wants to jump out the window. He reckons it's high enough to at least get a concussion. "I can't tell you." Peter nods and leaves it alone but James starts protesting. "Oh come on, why not? I told you all about my feelings for Evans." The other two snort and James looks offended. "Look guys, as much as I would simply love to tell you, I really can't. If they found out, I could get into trouble." James sighs but doesn't quiz him any further.  
"I still get to tease you though. I need to pay you back for the months of bullying I've put up with from you and Pete." Remus rolls his eyes and glances at the grandfather clock standing in the corner of the room. 

"I guess that's fair. Now let's go, it's almost time for dinner." At the prospect of food to fill their stomachs, Peter and James bolt down the corridor, leaving Remus to walk after them, chuckling. He eats his albeit small portion of chicken and is gobbling down an equally tiny plate of leftover pudding, when Mr Potter walks in and sits down next to him. He reaches over Remus to grab a fork and gets to work devouring his own meal. Halfway through, he looks up and tells Remus there's a letter for him by the stove, through a mouthful of peas. Remus thanks him politely and scurries off to find to read the latest news from his ma.

Usually she sends him lovely messages about how much she misses him and updates him about her week or how much the fruitful plum tree in their garden has grown since her last write. Today however, her letter is a bit more depressing. 

Dear Rem, 

It's been so quiet without you here disrupting my sleep schedule and bringing your noisy friends round.   
How are James and Peter by the way? I'm missing you terribly, darling and I hope you can come visit soon when you're not to busy. There's a bit of a problem though and I really don't want to worry you. I visited the doctor the other day for my regular check up, you know how it is and he told me some bad news. Turns out, I've got some silly thing called Smallpox. It's odd really, I don't even feel sick.Well, that's not completely true, I have a slight fever but I'm okay. I'm not sure what to do but I recommend you don't stop by for a while. He didn't explain if it was contagious or not but I don't want to risk it. I'm not entirely sure how I'll pay for treatment either but I refuse to let you waste your pay check on me. Go out with your mates for a beer or something like that! Don't forget to write back to your little old ma.   
Love you lots,  
H.H

Remus gasps out loud as he reads the letter. He has no idea what Smallpox is and he can only hope it's not too bad. He decides he'll have a quick look through one of Sirius's medical dictionaries when he's next in his study.

He tells Peter, who's dad was once a doctor in the navy, to see if he has any clue but he also comes up empty-handed. He even goes as far as to ask James but he seems to think it's sexually transmitted and questions if he knows when the last time his mother had intercourse was.  
Unfortunately, Madame Mcgonagall hears him and gives him a hard slap on the back of his leg with her cane. James, being the big baby that he is, claims that he can't walk and needs Remus to carry him to and fro. Really, Remus thinks, he just wants an excuse to boss him around. 

Since none of the people he's asked have been helpful in the slightest, he sneaks into Sirius's study when he knows he won't be in and searches the stuffed bookshelves for something that might actually tell him what he wants to know. He skims the index of several books, looking rather frantically under the S. He doesn't find anything until the fifth book.

'The first symptoms of smallpox usually appear 10 to 14 days after you're infected. During the incubation period of seven to 17 days, you look and feel healthy and can't infect others. Following the incubation period, a sudden onset of flu-like signs and symptoms occurs. These include: Fever. Overall discomfort. Headache.'

He considers this information in his head. She did mention having a fever and from what the book says, she might not even need treatment at all. He closes the book and carefully puts it back on the shelf. He scans another page from a different book to see if it says the same thing when he hears someone behind him.  
"Remus?" He nearly jumps outs of his skin. When he spins around, it's Sirius smiling at him. He has to look away after a few seconds because that smile does Things to him. 

"What are you doing in here?" He racks his brain for a suitable excuse, really wishing he was better at thinking around attractive men. "Erm, I was dusting?" Sirius smirks at him before looking down at the book he's holding.   
"Without a rag? You know, it's fine if you want to have a look. In fact, take anything you want, I have more reading material then I know what to do." Remus flushes and starts protesting, something he's gotten very good at, being the only sane one in his friendship group.  
"No way, I can't do that. I was just doing some research." Sirius leans past him to look at the page he's currently opened the book to. His arm brushes against Remus's and it feels like white-hot, even through his layers of clothing. "On smallpox?" Remus sighs and puts the book back.   
He turns to face Sirius and fidgets with the ring on his finger.

"It's for my ma. She told me in her latest letter that she's got it and I was trying to find out some stuff about it." Sirius looks sympathetic and slings an arm round his shoulders. "I'm sorry to hear that, Remus. Have the books if you want- or just look at them, I don't mind. I hope your mother gets better soon."   
Remus smiles a little and leans into his touch. "Thank you Sirius. She should be fine. According to this, all she needs is some rest and to quarantine for a few days. She does both of those all the time anyway." Sirius laughs and detaches himself from Remus's side to go sit at his desk.   
He pours himself a cup of tea from a ridiculous floral patterned teapot and offers Remus a cup. Instead of refusing like he normally does whenever Sirius offers him food or drink, he accepts and raises the posh mug to his lips. 

"So," Sirius says after a few minutes of making over the top tea slurping noises "I heard you and your friends talking today." Remus nearly spits out his tea.   
"Um, oh yeah? What exactly did you hear?" Sirius grins and suddenly he's not so sure he wants to know.   
"You fancy someone!" Remus really wants to die. "Oh come on, don't look at me like that, this is great news. Who is it? Do I know them?"   
Well, that depends on whether or not you know yourself. "How did you even hear that in the first place? You got super hearing or something?" Sirius chuckles into his tea cup and Remus has to pat him on the back when he takes another sip and starts choking. "I hate to break it to you but your mate, the one with the glasses, has a voice like a french horn. I think everyone in the building might have heard. Anyway, go on and stop changing the subject. Don't make me have to order you." 

If Remus's heart didn't feel like it was constricting, he'd probably laugh along too. "Yes. You do know them, quite well, I'd say. I'm afraid I can't tell you who because, as you must of heard me tell James and Peter, I'll get into trouble." Sirius looks like he's wants to say something but the sharp taps on the door cut him off. Regulus walks in without waiting for Sirius to respond or let him in.  
He doesn't look surprised to see Remus and from where he's sitting, it almost looked like Regulus just winked at him. He clears his throat and stands up, not wanting to uphold their conversation. "Well, I best be off then, I've got to go and help James clear the chimney. Good day, sirs." 

He walks out with a tentative smile for Sirius and a nervous nod at Regulus. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, just for a second, to catch his breath. He isn't sure but he thinks he can hear Regulus say "Oh Lord, you are so gay." He doesn't let his mind dwell on this as he walks away to find James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this mediocre chapter, I was so tired by the end I think I massively screwed up.   
> H.H stands for Hope Howell, in case you're wondering because she totally went back to her maiden name after kicking Lyall out. I hope you enjoyed this, stay tuned for the next chapter.


End file.
